Whilst on holiday I read Sugar Linings, after seeing it on Sweet Tilly’s diabetic book shelf. I loved it so much, it inspired me to share one of my clouds and sugar linings with everyone.
My diabetes control and blood sugars haven’t always insta-worthy. In fact, I wouldn’t actually know what my blood sugars were before, because during my over 6 year denial storm cloud I didn’t even collect a prescription for test strips far less own a functioning test machine. I use to binge drink, smoke and eat whatever and whenever I wanted, never giving insulin a second thought. Then I would be reminded I needed insulin to survive and I would dose a quick 25+ units (Novorapid) and hope for the best. Luckily throughout my extended burnout I still retained my hypo awareness so when I would then rapidly decline after my overdose I would quietly demolish a whole pack of sweets sending not just my glucose out of orbit but my mood as well. Somehow I managed to stay out of hospital, goodness knows how.
When my dreaded annual review with my DSN or Dr came around I would sit the night before with my blood glucose diary and make-up a heap of numbers that I thought looked believable (10mmol+) I’m sure they were aware that I was fiddling my counts as they would never reflect my dangerously high HbA1c. Then came the judgemental looks and stern warnings of complications but never once did I ever feel supported or leave with any better understanding what I needed to do to change this. I was a rebellious teenager who had much better things to do. And so the lack of control cycle continued. I lost all understanding of this inconvenient disease and didn’t know what to do to get back on track.
It wasn’t until my husband proposed and I realised I would soon be his wife. I always had this idealistic view, first comes love, tick, then comes marriage, tick and then comes the baby… this was where the problem lay. I was slowly killing myself and was definitely not a healthy vessel to carry a baby. Things needed to change if I ever wanted to be a mum.
Carb counting was completely alien to me. And although when I decided to take control, I was put on the waiting list for a carb counting course (I have still yet to go on one) I was a complete novice. So I self-taught myself what I needed to do to live a healthier life.
Although I was diagnosed 20 years ago, it was like being diagnosed all over again. The past few years have been anything but easy, readjusting and re-accepting this disease. Understanding my body, adapting my diet and introducing exercise have not been easy feats but my body expresses more gratitude every single day. I would be lying if I said my mind was as easy to please, it’s been hard and there will always been difficult days but the dramatic mood swings that come with the highs and lows occur less frequently. With each day I judge myself a little less, I now know it is okay not to have a unicorn line every day.
Through my Diabetic rediscovery, I stumbled upon the DOC (diabetic online community). And this has quickly become one of my greatest silver linings! You guys have taught me that I we should wear our diabetic instruments with pride (pumps, CGMs) that we should not be afraid to check our blood glucose or inject in public, we shouldn’t let uneducated ignorance effect how we feel about ourselves. That anyone managing this is a Diabadass! And I am a Diabadass! I genuinely felt completely isolated with the betes before becoming a part of the DOC I could count the number of diabetics I had met in the past 20 years on one hand. Now I have 100s of supportive Diabuddies all going through similar experiences. I now have Diabestie’s for life!